1. THE GOWN PULLERS
They seem to have this parasitic attachment to our gowns. These are lawyers who are always very quick to pull your gown when you are on your feet conducting your matter; probably when you seem to be encountering a hitch in prosecuting your case. They are pulling your gown to draw your attention, or to whisper a supposed solution to help you out of a situation. They seem to always have an answer to pull you through, especially when you are on your feet and in a problem. As a young lawyer, these folks were very handy when they were around, but as time went on, they became irritating. It now seems like they are just waiting or even praying for you to get into some sort of trouble for them to begin to pull your gown. Truth is, there are times this gown pulling thing ends up confusing you the more and breaking your concentration. Imagine sitting between two gown pullers, one pulling you from the right, the other from the left? Surprisingly, I have also observed that sometimes when it finally gets to the turn of our gown pullers to conduct their cases, they seem to get more stuck than us.Anyway, they are a nice set of people with good intentions, but they need to be moderate and wise on how they go about their gown pulling business.
2. AS THE COURT PLEASERS
You will enjoy these guys only if they are chorusing ‘as the court pleases’ when the court is attacking the opposing counsel, and not you. You will most likely want to be their choir master/mistress when the court is on your side, and your opponent is on the receiving end of the game. These folks seem to be looking forward to shouting ‘as the court pleases’. They seem to be anointed for this, because they usually have loud voices and are always on time to echo ‘as the court pleases’. The annoying part of it is that, even when you strongly believe you are on the right side, and for whatever reason the court seems to be taking another position, or even when the court is glaringly wrong, they would still be echoing their ‘as the court pleases’ like that’s what they came to court to do. Surprisingly though, when it’s their time to do their cases, they seem not to be as loud as they were when they were screaming ‘as the court pleases’ all over the place.
3. JUDGE FIGHTERS
Whether it’s a curse or something following them from their village, or because of their ill manners; these set of lawyers always seem not to be in the good book of most judges. I personally know some lawyers who are like that. They are always in a fight with one judge or the other. Truth is that they always get to lose in the fight, but surprisingly they keep on fighting. Anyway, I enjoy doing matters with them because judges would always want to get at them, and I get away with things ordinarily I wouldn’t get away with. I love it when they are fighting with a judge and am on the other side, because most of my applications are likely to be granted, and my objections sustained by the judge, all in a bid to get at them So guys, look forward to doing cases with them, it carries some advantages.
4. ELDER STATESMEN (THE ANCESTORS)
This category of lawyers comprises mostly of senior lawyers. No doubt, seniority at the bar is not to be taken for granted, and senior members of the bar ought to be duly respected. These are lawyers that will not hesitate to put it to your face that they are your seniors. Yes you are my senior, but do you have to throw it all over my face? You often hear them making comments like – “All through my years of practice, I have never seen this kind of a thing. What kind of practice is this?”, One once told me in a low tone, ‘Counsel, is that how you do your practice &I asked him to address the Court on the correct way when I’m done.You will always hear them say, “My Lord, that’s the practice,” without citing the relevant authorities they are relying on. A senior lawyer once used such line on another lawyer in court, and in my opinion, it was used as a tool of intimidation; and the other lawyer humorously retorted – “ It’s called millennium practice” I had a good laugh in court that day. When you you get some Bench rulings in your favour against them they wait to harass you to come to them & for date to inform you that they are still your senior no matter your legal prowess. This lovely group of lawyers can’t just wait for the court to start sitting for them to mention their cases out of turn. God help you if you happen to be in court full of them, and you are not one of them.
5. INTERIOR DECORATORS
Now you are thinking what interior decoration has to do with law practice. Just wait till you meet these set of lawyers who always seek for an adjournment in other “to put our house in order”. I use to imagine what house they are even putting in order, and why they will have to wait till they get to court before they realise they have to put their house in order. It’s okay if once in a while you ask for an adjournment to regularize your processes and all of that; but when it becomes a routine and the line of “to put our house in order” is always used, maybe lawyers like that need to quit law practice and consider venturing into the business of interior decoration. Then, they will not only be free to put their houses in order but would also help others to put their houses in order and get paid for doing that. If you are in this category, you will have to buy me dinner for this sound career advice. I know this my list is not exhaustive, so let’s hear your own categories.
6. THE ALIGNMENT LAWYERS
You see them always aligning themselves with the submission of their Learned Friends. They are the laziest set of Lawyers existing. To them what matters is their appearance fees., they don’t prepare for their cases. They only come to court to align themselves with the submission of their learned Friends. They are also in the appellant Courts always aligning themselves with the submission of their Learned Brothers. I didn’t say anything oh lol. You will also find them amidst the new wigs who have sworn never to read a sign post bcox of the law school stress, to them all that matters is that they are already called to Bar, they don’t research nor read. Also, You will find them amongst government lawyers especially those in the civil department who follow the old patterns without improving.
7. BOWING DOWN LAWYERS/APPEARING WITH ME LAWYERS/WITH ME LAWYERS
They are always appearing with other lawyers. You can never see them talk in the Court but will be d 1st to correct a Lawyer who is addressing the Court. They are always standing up and bowing down but you will not see them do matters on their own. Most of them become SAN faster because they are always appearing with other lawyers in many cases.