This Is How It Happened:
I’ve always thought we had a good and open communication. For most parts it was true. But something felt off the last few weeks, like she couldn’t stand the intimacy of a relationship. I tried to slug it down. But sometimes it doesn’t feel normal.
So last Week end, I snooped through her phone. There were messages…Yes, messages where she stated that she feels a bit pressured by the relationship. Messages where she asked ex-affaires to come over. Messages where she asked guys if they would like to get her laid. It was mostly hypothetical stuff, still hurtful. And not even a word about me.
In the past, I’ve always told her that she can talk to me about issues like that and I would fully understand. She gave me assurance that she would do… but she did not and lied to me.
Right now I’m playing love, peace and harmony. I’m back at work in another town and I’ll see her again next weekend. I still love her deeply and I guess that stuff is just an outlet for her fears. But it’s wrong of her.
I don’t know how best to express the feelings I have now but it feels so hurt right now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. It saddens me that I may lose her. But I can’t forget this and act like it never happened, if I do this there will be a bigger bomb someday. So I’ll have to sort it out now. And I hate it. I hate to know that maybe I’ll lose her if we can’t sort this out.
I’m so in love but sometimes that’s not enough… So currently I’m at work, waiting for the next weekend and I can’t get a thing done. I’m going crazy. I feel alone and tired. I would love to cry. But I have to act strong at work.
I would love to know her reasons. It’s not that she’s unhappy with me. It’s all about space and boundaries. And I know, if we can’t sort it out it will not work. Different opinions on space will never fit…